I think every single story idea I’ve ever had has been born in the shower. There’s just something about being naked and wet that activates the story-telling part of the brain. I think because it’s the same part that would have to come up with reasonable excuses if you were caught naked and wet anywhere but the shower.
“there is a a reference to male genitalia nearly once per page, [and] f-words abound.”—Was this reviewer being hyperbolic or did I legitimately mention dicks on every single page of my new book? Pre-order and find out for yourself!
I’ve been writing and doing a bunch of stuff lately to promote my new book (out two weeks from today holy shit) and also because it’s my job. Here are a bunch of links to things, plus some additional thoughts of mine, so it doesn’t JUST feel like a shameless bit of self-promotion.
The Bryan Callen Podcast: Bryan Callen (Mad TV, The Hangover, How I Met Your Mother) had me on his podcast, it was a blast and I didn’t call him “Bilson” once even though I super wanted to the whole time. I had such a good time doing this, all the laughs that happen are genuine and I’ll hopefully come back and shoot the shit with those guys again in the future.
4 Things Movies Always Get Wrong About Parties: I wrote this as part of a sponsored campaign for BURNETT’S PINK LEMONADE FLAVORED VODKA, which is a thing we have to do on the site occasionally. Brands give us money and we write columns that are vaguely related to their campaign, and that’s why we don’t have to charge readers for coming to the site. On the spectrum of brands, Burnett was pretty cool (by which I mean they didn’t give a lot of notes and let me use however many fuck-words I wanted) and I’d personally give them a whole lot of business if Pink Lemonade-flavored vodka didn’t sound just absolutely disgusting to me.
Obviously I have a lot of thoughts about this but as it just happened I still need some time to process it. I appreciate your thoughts, prayers and patience while I try to get a grip on the complex web of emotions in which I now find myself tangled.
Winston Rowntree illustrated your book? I preordered it just for you, but now I'm even more excited.
Winston DID do the illustrations for our book (get it!). I really couldn’t ask for a better collaborator and I hope we make lots of books together. Here are two of the ways in which Winston is amazing.
Perfect Execution of my Dumb Ideas: It was very comforting knowing that Winston could nail every illustration assignment I threw his way. I’d come up with some really dumb, really specific illustration idea without even knowing if it works and he would knock it out of the park and usually add things to it. There wasn’t a single rough draft I saw that I had to send back for not being what I’d envisioned. Finding a collaborator who is on your page and gets you is important and almost impossible.
Perfect Execution of his Own Ideas: I came up with a most of the assignments but there were a bunch, especially towards the end, where I was just lost. In those cases I would just send over the chapter and say “Look, man, I don’t know. Please read the chapter and come up with the perfect illustration, thaaaaanks.” And he would. I could just hand him a thing and trust that he would come up with some hilarious image that was tonally on point with the rest of the book. He saved my ass plenty in this book.
“I just want to understand you, CVS Employee; are you telling me you DON’T sell Valentine’s Day cards a person can give to his dog, or are you telling me you WON’T sell one to me because the only other items in my cart are scotch and a frozen meal for one?”—
Writing for me is 10% actual writing and 90% deciding what to eat/touching my hair/staring into space/changing music/tweeting/instagraming
I think it was Mark Twain who said “Writing is ten percent inspiration, ten percent coffee would help, ten percent maybe it’s that there’s not enough light in here is the problem I should open the blinds, ten percent oh now there’s a glare, ten percent CTRL T Facebook oh she got fat, ten percent should probably walk the dog, ten percent is it too early to start drinking well it’s 5 o’clock somewhere but is that actually true or just something people say CTRL T Google ‘is it actually always five o’clock?,’ ten percent writing doesn’t necessarily mean literally putting words on paper so technically I’ve been ‘writing’ all day, five percent inspiration.”
I used to kind of have a laugh about how some people get way too emotional over silly things in movies etc. on tumblr but now I'm just sitting here heartbroken over the bus driver in Mrs Doubtfire. I demand a sequel in which he finally gets a happy ending because that deleted scene just made me die a little inside.
There can’t be a sequel because the actor who played the bus driver died.
“This is a book that would be great in a high school U.S. History or Government Class, but if a teacher used in a classroom then they would get fired.”—One of the reviews for my upcoming book, How to Fight Presidents. Read more reviews here!
I know you're a Spiderman kinda guy but what would you say to a Batman vs Superman movie with Dominic West as Batman (played with a bit of Jimmy McNulty smarm), and Idris Elba as Superman, all quietly powerful and utterly fucking confident in himself? Could it work?
Idris Elba is the only good and interesting choice for Superman I’ve ever heard in my entire life.
Dominic West is good for Batman, but for a different Batman movie that I’d like to see someday. Like I want a Justice League movie where Batman has just been so beaten down and haunted from Batmanning that he’s just a cynical drunk. He still gets in the batsuit and tries to fight crime and everything, but he’s sloppier and destructive and the rest of the team doesn’t know what to do about him. They want to stop him but he did all of that great Batman stuff and they have so much respect for him and everything.
But Idris Elba as Superman. Man. Move over old sex dream, there’s a NEW cat in town.
Hi dan! I just finished bartender and loved it! Do you have plans to write more fiction in the future?
Thanks stranger! This will serve as my opportunity to promote the dumb, typo-filled novella I wrote called Bartender, back in college, before I started working for Cracked. It’s an occasionally cringe-worthy action novel that was written more as a love letter to my two friends, Joe and Mike, and my big brothers (and also alcoholism). Completely rewriting it has always been on my to-do list (20,000 words done so far!), but it’s low on that list because it’s such a silly little thing that only like nine people would be interested in reading. I wanted to have it finished so that I could release it for free as an e-book for anyone who bought my next book, How to Fight Presidents, but I didn’t get my act together in time. One day I’ll get it to a good place, but not anytime soon.
If we date, at some point while you’re asleep I’m going to put sunglasses on your butt, as if your butt was wearing them, and then say “Oh who’s THIS cool butt?” Then I’ll likely hum some funky “coolest butt struttin’ down the street” type music. This is not negotiable.
I want to study everything, if only briefly. Not to be a more well-rounded person or any such high-minded nonsense, but just because I hate that people understand me. Someday, I want to be sitting in a bar with a friend who has known me for twenty years, and they will say “you are not a Tuvan throat-singer.” And I will throat that place to the ground like a Mongolian robot, and they will never fully trust me again.