This Dan O'Brien

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Real, human blood, sweat and tears trickle behind all these laughs!

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One of my favorite parts of seeing our scripts is the terrible, terrible names we secretly give every single character. I once named somebody “Llarold,” because what are you gonna do, stop me?

Also, here is the original stage direction for when the cops enter:

“Two COPS enter. COP 1 is a young cop, but he’s no rookie. He’s got a wife, and she wants a baby, but he’s seen so much in his short years on the force that he’s not sure he wants to bring a child into this hard, cold world. Maybe if he’d had a stronger father figure growing up he’d feel more prepared, but as things stand he’s just not sure that he’s ready. Oh, Cop 1. No one really KNOWS when they’re ready. COP 2 I was thinking Greg Burke?”

Just wasting time writing jokes no one’s supposed to ever see.

cracked:

Zoinks! Looks like the Mystery Squad committed another mystery felony.

Tomorrow, let’s all meet back at Cracked’s YouTube channel to find out what it is!

http://www.youtube.com/cracked

Here’s a thing I wrote and am in that will be airing soon!

liana:

Hey! Hi! My new thing has just launched! It’s a comedy site for HitFix called RIOT and mostly I just make fun of Gwyneth Paltrow. And myself, as seen in the embarrassing still above, taken from an even more humiliating video. Check it out or don’t, or whatever, please.

Check out Liana’s new comedy site, Huggles n’ Waughter.

boobsradley:

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» Watch Cracked.com do Live Jokes, Los Angeles!

youcantbroitalone asked: HOLY SHIT! Were you on Conan? Because if not I just saw your doppleganger

I was! The West Coast can still catch the episode featuring me, as the unsuspecting audience member who was made a fool of on his day off!

I’ll call it the highlight of my career.

“

I’m sure you’re aware of this but, just in case you’re not, I’d like to let you know that there’s a man who doesn’t speak English in a sleeping bag beneath our mailboxes.

Ant Update: There are also still ants.

Did I mention I hate this place?

— An email I just sent to my terrible, terrible landlord

This seemed like as good a time as any to share my absolute favorite video in the history of the internet. Stollhouse is a treasure and Milana’s rapid-fire blinking is inspiring.

Anonymous asked: Daniel, did you know that if you search 'Daniel O'Brien Cracked' that 'daniel o'brien cracked girlfriend' is the first thing Google suggests? I never knew you were such a ladies man, you stud, you!

I wonder if there’s a way to say “Yes, I knew that” without revealing that I’m almost constantly Googling myself.

Anyway, yes, I knew that because one of my friends told me (you don’t know him, he lives in Canada), though I think it happens for reasons that have nothing to do with studliness. In some interview or blog or forum post somewhere, I mentioned how a lot of my life is public on the internet but how some things were kept very deliberately private. Years ago, I labeled a few bits of information as “mine,” as stuff that wouldn’t ever go on the internet. Some of it is mostly arbitrary (my birthday doesn’t appear on the internet), and some of it is more understandably personal; my relationship status is always going to be one of those things that the internet doesn’t get to know.

So when “Daniel O’Brien Cracked girlfriend” gets searched a lot, it’s not because a bunch of sexy, interesting coffee-shop-baristas are clamoring to find out if I’m available; it’s mostly internet detectives trying to find out an answer based solely on the fact that I told them they’re not allowed to know. If you tell someone they can go in any room of the house EXCEPT THIS ONE AT THE TOP OF THE STAIRS, then that’s the only room they’re going to want to see.

Song Lyrics

[I’m working on a few songs and I wanted to leave the lyrics here so I didn’t forget them.]

“Damn, that’s a bold ass Donkey”- for a “Thrift Shop” parody about Shrek called “Thrift Shrek;”

“Damn, that’s a slow ass zombie” for a “Thrift Shop” parody about The Walking Dead called “Brains Shop;”

“Damn, that’s a stoned ass Cochrane”- for a “Thrift Shop” parody about Rory Cochrane’s stoner character from Dazed and Confused called “Spliff Shop;”

“Damn, that’s a dope ass codpiece”- for a “Thrift Shop” parody set in the 1500s called “Thrift Shoppe;”

“Damn, that’s a stroked ass Rodney”- for a “Thrift Shop” parody about a guy name Rodney who dies of a stroke called “Thrift Stop;”

“Damn, that’s some folded ass ‘gami”- for a “Thrift Shop” parody about doing street origami called “Folding Paper into Shapes (Thrift Shop Parody);”

“Damn, that’s an old ass chotchkie”- for a “Thrift Shop” parody about hoarders, called “Hoarder Shop;”

“Damn, Joanie really loves Chachi”- for a “Thrift Shop” parody about Joanie Loves Chachi called “Thrift Shop Parody (Joanie Loves Chachi-style SO FUNNY);”

That’s how you fucking sound, internet.